How Dare I?

There is something truly painful about feeling like you have developed a deadly disease in which people wish not to speak to you, nor look at you, nor acknowledge your existence. I can't say I know what a leper feels like, but I can say I know what it feels like to feel disowned. I know what it feels like to be treated like I don't exist. I know what it feels like to have people who you were once close to treat you as though you have never met, and they do not desire to speak to you or know you. Is this what a homeless person standing on the street corner feels like? Do they feel invisible to the world? Do they feel as though death is radiating from their skin, and everyone passing by is too afraid of catching death to even glance in their direction? Do they feel as though their voice is unheard when they speak out loud in a crowd of people?
I do not wish to say I know how someone else feels, but I wish to say I know similar feelings, if not quite to that degree. And I started out writing this blog to help release the feelings of hurt in my heart from all these emotions... and yet, here I am, realizing I have no right to complain. I have no right to feel sorry for myself. I am disgusted with myself even, for ever having treated someone in such ways as I have just described. My heart is broken for the many people I have walked by without a second glance as though they were not even there. I am ashamed of the many people standing on the corner asking for food that I came upon and chose to look the other way. What have I become? What have WE become? We are such a hateful, selfish world. My heart is broken because of the person I have been. How dare I stand before THE GOD who created everything and everyone and tell him I just didn't feel like giving away twenty dollars to someone who may not have had a warm meal that night, or a warm bed. How dare I ask God for more when I can't even share what He has already given me? How dare I ask God to mend my heart, when I can't even remember to ask Him to mend people's souls? How dare I ask God to help me to have a good day, when I haven't ask Him to use me to save a dying world? How dare I ask God to bless my food, when I am too greedy and stingy to share it with a hungry man living under the bridge?
My heart is broken for the things I done, or HAVEN'T done.... but I feel Christ stirring me to be better. I feel Him molding me to look more like Him. It is a painful, sad, and yet beautiful process. I pray that He never stops molding me into what He wants me to be.

Opening a vent...

Today I feel like using my blog to vent. Not that I don't already do that. Regardless, I have a lot on my mind. Mainly, I have one thing on my mind. That one thing is the underlying power people have in influencing the way someone feels about themselves. Whether it may be them personally, or their accomplishments in life, or anything they do or don't do.
I have never really had to deal with feeling like I needed to do better than what I already have because I made really good grades in school, I made really good grades in college, not to mention that I even went to college in the first place was something for me to be proud of (and working all the while off and on). At one point in time, the fact that I had graduated with an Associate degree was enough to satisfy my needs for accomplishments; no longer is that the case. I now feel pressure from people to either be searching for my career job or apply to college to "finish my education"... even though technically I have finished the degree I set out for. Unknowingly, some people make me feel as if the accomplishments I am satisfied with are simply not good enough. I don't think people realize how the way they ask certain questions about your life can imply the way they feel about those things. I'm so, so tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. I'm tired of feeling like I don't fit in with other people in my stage of life. I'm tired of feeling like people look down at me because I'm not as well educated as others my age. I'm tired of people looking down at me because I am currently a stay at home wife and not heavily pursuing a career. I'm so tired of feeling lesser than everyone else. Unfortunately, the few people who try to encourage me in the fact that where I am in life is just fine doesn't outweigh the number of people giving me opposite feedback.
Therefore, I will be trying to better myself very soon. I will be trying to go back to school as soon as I can, and will be looking for a job. Maybe, just maybe will I then begin to feel as though I belong. Maybe then will I feel good enough.

Cannonball into the hot springs!

I'm staring at this blank screen, trying to figure out how to put into words everything that is going through my head and my heart. I have been realizing lately that what Christians in the world today (mainly in America) have turned into is nothing like what God calls us to be. There are some that are truly surrendered to Christ in the way that He tells us to be, but the rest of us (and I'm including myself here) are so watered down that we have come to a point of being "comfortable" living a lukewarm Christian lifestyle.
I am beginning to see that I have been lukewarm for quite some time. I no longer want to be that. I wish people could fathom how much God dislikes lukewarm Christians. I don't even want to THINK about how disgusted God is with me. I just want to worry about how to get out of the massive pool of lukewarm water, and cannonball into the hot springs! I want to have the kind of passion for Christ that the people in the Bible did. The kind of relationship with God that shows Him the fact that I know I NEED Him because I am worthless. I want to crave His word. I want to crave His attention. I want to crave His LOVE.

Another thing that has been on my heart is youth. I wish I could make them understand how important having a REAL relationship with Christ is. I fear for the souls of all the "Christians" who aren't really saved. I wish I could make them listen. I wish they understood fully what happens in the end. I wish I could warn them all of hell and them actually care! The saddest part to me, is we have become so comfortable in the lukewarm water, even comfortable in the cold water... that we no longer feel our NEED for Christ. We feel like we have everything we need. But we don't! I am learning everyday that everything in this life is meaningless; such as jobs, cars, money, clothes, food, movies, games, books, etc. The ONLY thing in life that actually matters, is living for Christ. Surrendering ourselves to Him completely. Only caring about sharing His Gospel with the world. Only caring about saving souls from eternal torment. But our priorities have gotten so mixed up. Saving souls has become something we do on occasion when we go on a mission trip overseas. why are we not consumed with sharing Christ with every single soul we come in contact with?? Sadly, we are selfish beings. We only care about ourselves. I pray that we awaken from our slumber and and build a bonfire! I desire to be so on fire for Christ that I don't CARE what people think of me. That I don't CARE if I have no friends. That I don't CARE if I get thrown in jail. I simply want to do what God commands us to.

Handwritten Instructions

Recently I have found myself feeling down in the dumps about my life. Not my life as a whole, simply my life in the future. Mainly because I have no idea in which direction I should head. I know I need to go back to school... but for what?! I have no idea what my passion is in life. Most people have a desire to want to have a certain career, or to be something "when they grow up"; yet I find myself being left out of that crowd. I am walking down a street which seems to never come into contact with any side streets; therefore, I just keep going, wishing and hoping I would come across a street that looks appealing. For now though, the path is straight ahead, with no end in sight.

I have continued to rack my brain for a possible answer to what sort of job I could see myself thoroughly enjoying. You know, the kind of job people dream to pursue. Unfortunately I am coming up empty-handed. Hopefully one day very soon a box will float down from the sky, one which inside holds a handwritten note from God with a detailed list of instructions for my life. Then, just maybe, I would be able to figure it all out.

Dancing and Dachshunds

Today has been an exciting and emotional roller coaster kind of day. We started out checking out the local humane society and animal shelter for a buddy for the West Highland White Terrier we already have. We had no luck at the first place, but while we were looking at dogs at the shelter, we were almost done looking when they brought out a cute little black dog that sort of resembled a Dachshund. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but when we got closer we noticed that she very much resembled a Dachshund, and was in fact a Dachshund mix! She is only five months old, so she is still trainable and still has room to grow a little accustomed to having a brother! Ryan was just beside himself with her. I had not seen him truly show interest in a dog until we met her. I, on the other hand, love all dogs. But while playing with her for awhile we both fell in love with her goofy little run, and her ability to go from playing happily like a puppy so jumping into your lap and staying calm and relaxed.
After going through a little bit of red tape to get her, Ryan announced to me while I was with my friend Jicole, that the puppy was ours and we could pick her up tomorrow after she has been spayed! Never have I seen him so excited over a dog. :)

The rest of our eventful day was spent by me meeting up with Jicole to go check out a ballet class to see if we would be interested in enrolling in it. The first half of the class seemed simple enough. Everything they did seemed "doable" by someone "our age". And then.... there was the second half of the class. The part where whole sentences were made up of French; followed by multiple difficult moves that made our mouths hang open at the sheer thought of trying to attempt doing it.
So we made a decision to jump in with the Adult Ballet class that is a little more relaxed and not quite as overwhelming and difficult. :)

So overall it has turned out to be a pretty good day. :)

Tip Toeing

As I tip toe down this new road I have found, searching for a healthier life, I have stumbled across a desire to learn how to make my own products. Half of the lotions and conditioners I use don't seem to work very well anyways, so why not venture out and see if I can come up with products that are made to meet my personal needs, and see if they work any differently than the products that are mass produced to cover a wide variety of needs. Why not make things simple and get straight to the point. Why bother with a product that may help one need, but the other stuff in it creates another problem, causing me to have to buy yet another product to solve the problem the first product created. It's all too complicated for me. I need simple in my life, so simple is what I'm out to get.

My first step is doing a little research on a few items I will need to buy.

"The Beautiful Truth"

I am currently speechless, but feel the inner longing to write. I'm so shocked, and amazed by the documentary that I have just watched that I feel like I might explode if I am not able to tell the entire world about it.

It all started a few days ago when I remembered that my brother and sister-in-law make homemade soap, and had given us several bars as part of our wedding gift. I searched them out in our mess of a spare room that is currently filled with moving boxes and wedding gifts that have yet to be utilized. At the same time I remembered about the soap, I just so happened to see a few links my sister-in-law had posted on her facebook. Articles that share the benefits of organic soap as opposed to the store bought kind with all the chemicals and additives. My first bit of research was half-heartedly looking up my body wash to see what all ingredients were in it, and what possible diseases have been linked with certain chemicals and additives that are found in most products we buy today. I was surprised by the number of diseases I found to be possibly linked to things in my body wash. These diseases included, Neurotoxicity, Organ System Toxicity, Allergies, etc. After pondering that for awhile, and deciding to start using the organic soap, I went to throw away the bag to some powdered doughnuts Ryan and I had just finished off. For whatever reason, I glanced at the ingredients and my eye caught an ingredient that just so happened to be one of the ingredients in my body wash. My first thought was, I can't believe I'm eating something that is also used to wash my skin. This cannot be healthy at ALL.

Like many people, I was never one to be concerned with healthy foods or even exercise for that matter. But when finding out this tiny bit of information, something inside be awakened. The knowledge that I am harming my body and it's health and longevity on a daily basis. I suddenly have the desire to ditch all of the unhealthy things I have been putting in and on my body and start living a healthier life. This process with be slow and very difficult I am sure, but I believe it to be 100% worth it. In the midst of proclaiming my new-found desire for health, I was given a suggestion to watch a documentary called, "The Beautiful Truth". If I was not fully convinced before, I surely am now! I would encouraged every single person on this planet to watch this film. For me, it was eye opening, and awakening. I was utterly shocked at the proof given of how boldly the food industry and everyone else in between lies to the public about the safety of things they are consuming. They lie because they are greedy, and have to compete. They are literally more concerned about making money, than they are about the health of human beings.

On top of all of that - I was blown away by the main topic of this documentary. The simple fact that the cure for cancer has been discovered, proven, and documented in multiple cases. The sad part is, the world of doctors and hospitals that we so blindly trust, have been lying to us for so long in order to keep the money rolling in. It is so sad to me that they would knowingly throw away a theory that works, in order to push more of their products onto the market so they may obtain riches.

If this movie is not eye opening to anyone else on the planet, I would be stunned. I, for one, will be changing a lot of things about my lifestyle. The foods I eat, the liquids I drink, and the lotions, soaps, makeup,etc. that I allow to absorb into my skin. I want to live a healthier life. I want to avoid giving myself cancer, because that is what we are all doing. We are feeding the cancer and giving it a strong environment to grow in, known as our bodies. I am making my stand, and going to do my best to leave no vacancy for cancer, or other diseases to reside inside of me.