Opening a vent...

Today I feel like using my blog to vent. Not that I don't already do that. Regardless, I have a lot on my mind. Mainly, I have one thing on my mind. That one thing is the underlying power people have in influencing the way someone feels about themselves. Whether it may be them personally, or their accomplishments in life, or anything they do or don't do.
I have never really had to deal with feeling like I needed to do better than what I already have because I made really good grades in school, I made really good grades in college, not to mention that I even went to college in the first place was something for me to be proud of (and working all the while off and on). At one point in time, the fact that I had graduated with an Associate degree was enough to satisfy my needs for accomplishments; no longer is that the case. I now feel pressure from people to either be searching for my career job or apply to college to "finish my education"... even though technically I have finished the degree I set out for. Unknowingly, some people make me feel as if the accomplishments I am satisfied with are simply not good enough. I don't think people realize how the way they ask certain questions about your life can imply the way they feel about those things. I'm so, so tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. I'm tired of feeling like I don't fit in with other people in my stage of life. I'm tired of feeling like people look down at me because I'm not as well educated as others my age. I'm tired of people looking down at me because I am currently a stay at home wife and not heavily pursuing a career. I'm so tired of feeling lesser than everyone else. Unfortunately, the few people who try to encourage me in the fact that where I am in life is just fine doesn't outweigh the number of people giving me opposite feedback.
Therefore, I will be trying to better myself very soon. I will be trying to go back to school as soon as I can, and will be looking for a job. Maybe, just maybe will I then begin to feel as though I belong. Maybe then will I feel good enough.

Cannonball into the hot springs!

I'm staring at this blank screen, trying to figure out how to put into words everything that is going through my head and my heart. I have been realizing lately that what Christians in the world today (mainly in America) have turned into is nothing like what God calls us to be. There are some that are truly surrendered to Christ in the way that He tells us to be, but the rest of us (and I'm including myself here) are so watered down that we have come to a point of being "comfortable" living a lukewarm Christian lifestyle.
I am beginning to see that I have been lukewarm for quite some time. I no longer want to be that. I wish people could fathom how much God dislikes lukewarm Christians. I don't even want to THINK about how disgusted God is with me. I just want to worry about how to get out of the massive pool of lukewarm water, and cannonball into the hot springs! I want to have the kind of passion for Christ that the people in the Bible did. The kind of relationship with God that shows Him the fact that I know I NEED Him because I am worthless. I want to crave His word. I want to crave His attention. I want to crave His LOVE.

Another thing that has been on my heart is youth. I wish I could make them understand how important having a REAL relationship with Christ is. I fear for the souls of all the "Christians" who aren't really saved. I wish I could make them listen. I wish they understood fully what happens in the end. I wish I could warn them all of hell and them actually care! The saddest part to me, is we have become so comfortable in the lukewarm water, even comfortable in the cold water... that we no longer feel our NEED for Christ. We feel like we have everything we need. But we don't! I am learning everyday that everything in this life is meaningless; such as jobs, cars, money, clothes, food, movies, games, books, etc. The ONLY thing in life that actually matters, is living for Christ. Surrendering ourselves to Him completely. Only caring about sharing His Gospel with the world. Only caring about saving souls from eternal torment. But our priorities have gotten so mixed up. Saving souls has become something we do on occasion when we go on a mission trip overseas. why are we not consumed with sharing Christ with every single soul we come in contact with?? Sadly, we are selfish beings. We only care about ourselves. I pray that we awaken from our slumber and and build a bonfire! I desire to be so on fire for Christ that I don't CARE what people think of me. That I don't CARE if I have no friends. That I don't CARE if I get thrown in jail. I simply want to do what God commands us to.

Handwritten Instructions

Recently I have found myself feeling down in the dumps about my life. Not my life as a whole, simply my life in the future. Mainly because I have no idea in which direction I should head. I know I need to go back to school... but for what?! I have no idea what my passion is in life. Most people have a desire to want to have a certain career, or to be something "when they grow up"; yet I find myself being left out of that crowd. I am walking down a street which seems to never come into contact with any side streets; therefore, I just keep going, wishing and hoping I would come across a street that looks appealing. For now though, the path is straight ahead, with no end in sight.

I have continued to rack my brain for a possible answer to what sort of job I could see myself thoroughly enjoying. You know, the kind of job people dream to pursue. Unfortunately I am coming up empty-handed. Hopefully one day very soon a box will float down from the sky, one which inside holds a handwritten note from God with a detailed list of instructions for my life. Then, just maybe, I would be able to figure it all out.

Dancing and Dachshunds

Today has been an exciting and emotional roller coaster kind of day. We started out checking out the local humane society and animal shelter for a buddy for the West Highland White Terrier we already have. We had no luck at the first place, but while we were looking at dogs at the shelter, we were almost done looking when they brought out a cute little black dog that sort of resembled a Dachshund. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but when we got closer we noticed that she very much resembled a Dachshund, and was in fact a Dachshund mix! She is only five months old, so she is still trainable and still has room to grow a little accustomed to having a brother! Ryan was just beside himself with her. I had not seen him truly show interest in a dog until we met her. I, on the other hand, love all dogs. But while playing with her for awhile we both fell in love with her goofy little run, and her ability to go from playing happily like a puppy so jumping into your lap and staying calm and relaxed.
After going through a little bit of red tape to get her, Ryan announced to me while I was with my friend Jicole, that the puppy was ours and we could pick her up tomorrow after she has been spayed! Never have I seen him so excited over a dog. :)

The rest of our eventful day was spent by me meeting up with Jicole to go check out a ballet class to see if we would be interested in enrolling in it. The first half of the class seemed simple enough. Everything they did seemed "doable" by someone "our age". And then.... there was the second half of the class. The part where whole sentences were made up of French; followed by multiple difficult moves that made our mouths hang open at the sheer thought of trying to attempt doing it.
So we made a decision to jump in with the Adult Ballet class that is a little more relaxed and not quite as overwhelming and difficult. :)

So overall it has turned out to be a pretty good day. :)

Tip Toeing

As I tip toe down this new road I have found, searching for a healthier life, I have stumbled across a desire to learn how to make my own products. Half of the lotions and conditioners I use don't seem to work very well anyways, so why not venture out and see if I can come up with products that are made to meet my personal needs, and see if they work any differently than the products that are mass produced to cover a wide variety of needs. Why not make things simple and get straight to the point. Why bother with a product that may help one need, but the other stuff in it creates another problem, causing me to have to buy yet another product to solve the problem the first product created. It's all too complicated for me. I need simple in my life, so simple is what I'm out to get.

My first step is doing a little research on a few items I will need to buy.

"The Beautiful Truth"

I am currently speechless, but feel the inner longing to write. I'm so shocked, and amazed by the documentary that I have just watched that I feel like I might explode if I am not able to tell the entire world about it.

It all started a few days ago when I remembered that my brother and sister-in-law make homemade soap, and had given us several bars as part of our wedding gift. I searched them out in our mess of a spare room that is currently filled with moving boxes and wedding gifts that have yet to be utilized. At the same time I remembered about the soap, I just so happened to see a few links my sister-in-law had posted on her facebook. Articles that share the benefits of organic soap as opposed to the store bought kind with all the chemicals and additives. My first bit of research was half-heartedly looking up my body wash to see what all ingredients were in it, and what possible diseases have been linked with certain chemicals and additives that are found in most products we buy today. I was surprised by the number of diseases I found to be possibly linked to things in my body wash. These diseases included, Neurotoxicity, Organ System Toxicity, Allergies, etc. After pondering that for awhile, and deciding to start using the organic soap, I went to throw away the bag to some powdered doughnuts Ryan and I had just finished off. For whatever reason, I glanced at the ingredients and my eye caught an ingredient that just so happened to be one of the ingredients in my body wash. My first thought was, I can't believe I'm eating something that is also used to wash my skin. This cannot be healthy at ALL.

Like many people, I was never one to be concerned with healthy foods or even exercise for that matter. But when finding out this tiny bit of information, something inside be awakened. The knowledge that I am harming my body and it's health and longevity on a daily basis. I suddenly have the desire to ditch all of the unhealthy things I have been putting in and on my body and start living a healthier life. This process with be slow and very difficult I am sure, but I believe it to be 100% worth it. In the midst of proclaiming my new-found desire for health, I was given a suggestion to watch a documentary called, "The Beautiful Truth". If I was not fully convinced before, I surely am now! I would encouraged every single person on this planet to watch this film. For me, it was eye opening, and awakening. I was utterly shocked at the proof given of how boldly the food industry and everyone else in between lies to the public about the safety of things they are consuming. They lie because they are greedy, and have to compete. They are literally more concerned about making money, than they are about the health of human beings.

On top of all of that - I was blown away by the main topic of this documentary. The simple fact that the cure for cancer has been discovered, proven, and documented in multiple cases. The sad part is, the world of doctors and hospitals that we so blindly trust, have been lying to us for so long in order to keep the money rolling in. It is so sad to me that they would knowingly throw away a theory that works, in order to push more of their products onto the market so they may obtain riches.

If this movie is not eye opening to anyone else on the planet, I would be stunned. I, for one, will be changing a lot of things about my lifestyle. The foods I eat, the liquids I drink, and the lotions, soaps, makeup,etc. that I allow to absorb into my skin. I want to live a healthier life. I want to avoid giving myself cancer, because that is what we are all doing. We are feeding the cancer and giving it a strong environment to grow in, known as our bodies. I am making my stand, and going to do my best to leave no vacancy for cancer, or other diseases to reside inside of me.

Something's Missing

Something is undoubtedly missing in my life today, and that is my husband. Ryan in currently with the middle schoolers on their summer mission trip. This is the first time since we've been married that we have actually been away from each other. Youth camp didn't really count because we saw each other most of the day, we just slept in separate cabins. This is different, I didn't get to say goodnight last night, I didn't get a "good morning beautiful" this morning, I didn't get to kiss him goodbye as he left for work, I didn't get to welcome him home again with a hug, and I am about to go to bed without a goodnight, yet again. This sinking feeling in my stomach and aching in my heart is pitiful. I was not expecting this time apart from each other to affect me so deeply. If I can keep from it, I will be avoiding any further separations in the future.

It is wonderful to have a love so strong, that it kills you to be away from it for any length of time. If only we could all say that we felt that way about Christ - that we would have a deep ache in our hearts whenever we cannot spend time with Him.

A Little More Everyday

It is absolutely amazing to me how God created things to be. There are so many things in life that just blow my mind. One thing that is really baffling me is how you can think with your entire being that you love someone more than you could ever love anyone, and next thing you know, you realize you love them even more than you did before. I have never fully understood how that worked. How a person could love someone more and more, and it never stop? My mind tells me there has to be a limit. But God shows me there does not have to be one. Just like our relationship with him continues to grow until the day we die (if we chose to work on it continually), so can the love we have for our spouse. It is amazing.
I pray that this love never comes to a point where it stops, because it is way too much of a blessing while it continues to grow.

A Lot About Love

Love seems to be a huge topic of thought and conversation in my life. Every since I can remember, it has been all I could think about. It doesn't help that my favorite genre of movies is romance, or romantic comedies. There is just a lot of love in life, it is everywhere.
I was deeply saddened, though, today while I watched a movie about a man and a woman who meet each other and decide to get married, all in a days work. This movie made it out to be an adventure. And the actors talked about, "why not get married without really getting to know someone? Half of marriages end up in divorce anyways, right?" I was first saddened to see that they would throw marriage around so flippantly, like it's just something that people do because everyone else is doing it. Throughout the movie they had their fair share of ups and downs, and finding out lies, and feeling the need to seek comfort from someone from the opposite sex whom was not their spouse. It was all so twisted, and just... wrong.
I was hoping for the best with the ending and trying to give it the benefit of the doubt, but I was highly disappointed that in the end, the couple decided to stay divorced, but continue living together and acting as a married couple. They did this because they saw no point in "marriage" when they felt they could have the same relationship, minus the commitment.
It disheartened me so much to know that those who do not have Christ do not even understand the concept of marriage anymore. It has become absolutely meaningless in today's society. Although, it would be very hard for someone who does not know Christ, and does not know why God created marriage in the first place, to understand the point in being legally bound to someone when they can have it all without the legal part. If only we could help them all understand the full meaning of marriage and how God intended it. Maybe, just maybe, it would have more meaning to them.... but I doubt it. Sometimes I wish I could fix the world, but I know I can't. The best I know how to do is just pray for them.
In the mean time, I am enjoying learning how to love Ryan the right way. I am loving serving him out of Godly submission. It changes one's whole perspective on cooking and cleaning when we understand how to submit the way God meant it, and then how to recieve the love that the husband is called by God to give in return.

Learning to Love

I have pondered quite a bit today about whether or not I would have anything to blog about just yet; but as I was thinking about it I started to remember a topic that has been on my heart as of late. I have been trying to figure out how I can love my husband the way God intended in a marriage. And here is why I have been pondering this.
Ryan and I have been married for just a hair under two months now, and I have already found myself being frustrated with certain things. Not only do guys who are stepping freshly out of bachelorhood have some really disturbing habits, but I have also been finding myself slightly annoyed with having to cook and clean and clean up after a second person. Life was much more simple when I only had to look after myself. I am learning very quickly that the amounts of things to be done become magnified by way more than what it seems like they should be with only one extra person. Dirty dishes in the sink seem to accumulate like we have had guests for every meal. There is laundry enough for five or more people it seems... how many times does a man change clothes in one day?! For goodness sakes, I thought that was supposed to be a female issue. But regardless, these are some of the things rolling around in my mind these days...
Because of all this new found frustration that was stemming from the "man of my dreams", I was starting to worry about the health of our marriage. I began to panic, asking myself if I should be having such feelings when we are still in the very beginning stages of our "honeymoon phase". But while trying to figure all of this out, I have been learning that the health of our marriage is going to be based on the health of our relationship with Christ. I need to have a healthy relationship with Christ to be able to know how to have a healthy marriage with my husband.
My goal is, wanting to learn to love my husband as Christ calls me to. So in order to be able to love Ryan properly, I have to be able to love Christ properly. I can't say I love God, and leave the rest blank. I need to start working on loving God and doing things for him because he is my Lord and Savior, and in all of that I will be able to do things out of love and not out of duty. If I am where I need to be with Christ, it will be so much easier for me to not get so annoyed with Ryan for sensless things. In fact, I have already experienced a little of how, as my relationship with Christ strengthens, my ideas on why I do things have been changing. Instead of doing laundry because it's overflowing from the bedroom out into the hallway, I do it because I love Ryan as I am learning to love God, and I want to do it for him because I want to care for him. Not because it's my duty.
Needless to say, I am learning a lot. Marriage is wonderful and God is an amazing artist when it comes to creating wonderful, beautiful things.

Appetizer

As I have said in my "about me" section on my profile, I have always loved to write. Ever since I can remember I was writing stories of all kinds. I even used to dream of being a famous author. I prefer writing by hand... but who has time for that anymore?! So here I sit, writing my very first blog. Ready for a new adventure.
As my first piece of witty entertainment, I offer you your appetizer. Please sit tight and enjoy the rest of your meal, and don't judge the dessert by the main course. :)